It started one day, the day after Thanksgiving in fact and I had been fighting with my mom which always upsets me, so I decided to go into the woods right near my house and It was a rather warm day so I had on shorts. As I was running through the woods, a dead branch on the ground caught the side of my right leg and made a, just a skinned place.
So I was running and crying and screaming at the trees and then I sat down on a log and peeled the skin away and began with my fingernail to draw the blood. That was the first time, and I realised then that I wanted the scar. I wanted it more than I'd ever wanted anything and so when the cut would start to heal over the next few weeks I'd make it bleed again and again and again. So now there is a scar, on the outside of my right knee.
The second time it happened, I'd been reading a survivors' site and a story from a girl who'd cut for seven years. This triggered everything and I dug my thumbnail into the fleshy area above the outer part of my right ankle.
The third time, I was being forced to do something for school that I didn't want to do. This brought back memories of other times I've had my choices taken away and upset me so I again dug my thumbnail into my right leg, this time the middle of my calf on the outside of my leg.
And finally, the fourth time - I don't know, god this one upsets me the most because I don't know why I did it but this time I'd been lighting candles with my lighter and there are a lot of candles in my bedroom and the metal had gotten really hot so I just pressed it as hard as I could to my leg about an inch below the second scar.
I think the reason I do it is that the pain inside has caused me to emotionally become numb and I think I need a way to remind me that my body is mine and I can feel and I can do what I damn well please to my own body no matter if it's gonna destroy me or my family or anything else because it reminds me that I have choices and this is a choice I have made.
A Survivor 4th March 1999
Last updated 22nd April 1999