I'll start in the beginning my best friend through my whole life tried to rape me, I was 13 years old. Then I changed school districts and was pretty much all alone. I had no friends, no one to talk to about how I was feeling, and my parents didn't know. After rape, abuse, attempted rape, and more, I needed an outlet.
One day I was putting dishes in the dish washer, and I dropped a glass. It broke on the floor and when I bent down to pick up the pieces, I just looked at one of the pieces and wondered what it would feel like to just cut myself. So I brought the glass to my skin and pulled down. At the time I didn't feel any pain at all. More of a release. I felt like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I watched the blood. I just sat there and watched it bleed. I felt like I had opened myself up, and now i finally had a way to deal with the pain.
I continued to cut myself after that, and it made me less depressed, and really relieved a lot of stress. I was more talkative at school, and started meeting people. I've used knives, razor blades, box cutters, my finger nails, teeth, glass, tin, and even pen caps...anything sharp enough to eventually penetrate the skin, anything that will make me bleed. I know that many people burn themselves as well. I have only done this twice for I think that, for me, the actual tearing, and blood is something I have to have when it comes to self inflicted wounds.
sometimes, when a friend will ask me about this, I will compare it to taking drugs. I have never taken drugs myself, but I've seen it happen, and I am aware of it's affects on people so I thought this was a fair comparison. It's like a drug. You take drugs to get "high" and away from reality. Like cutting, I do it, to take me away from my troubles and pains, very much like someone would drugs. Also, it can almost become addictive if you're not careful.
For a while I had gotten into a routine of cutting myself every night before I went to bed, and it got to the point that I couldn't sleep unless I cut myself first. When I realized this I stopped immediately. I didn't want something like this to control my life so I stopped. I was scared that it would get out of hand or that someone would find out, so I stopped for about 2 months. Then I did it only a few times, when I felt it was really necessary, and never, do I or will I, do it out of habit.
Then just recently I was raped again by a close friend. I once again tore into myself, and it helped somewhat, but this recent occurrence had been to much for a blade to take away, of course.
Currently I cut myself approximately every two weeks or so. Not too often and always very careful not to let it get out of hand. I do know though, that it does still have a grip on my life, for I cannot stop completely. I wish I could though. It's really not worth it. All the feelings come back. I'm in constant fear of someone figuring it out and throwing me into a mental hospital for it. I'm afraid to go to the doctor or wear anything but long sleeved shirts and jeans. The scars I have caused will never go away and I regret that. I wish I had never started in the first place because now I will be reminded of my pains, through my scars, everyday of my life.
I hope this helps get an understanding across when it comes to cutting. It's an important issue to address and a lot of victims have used this as an outlet. If you are considering self-mutilating yourself...or if you do, remember, you're not alone. There are other people that understand what you are going through, and hurting yourself is not the answer. It won't help. It won't solve anything. Save yourself the pain and don't do it. Thank you, and I hope I have helped in one way or another.
By Sara 29th January 1999
Last updated 22nd April 1999