Well, I do it for a start, no actually, let me correct myself; I DID it, never again. I did it for a few months. It all basically, started after my most recent attacks in July 98. I felt so worthless, so, UN-important, I just couldn’t see the point in sticking round. When I felt hurt, as I most commonly did, I would pick up a compass, and just scratch, for months it was not much else, I’d just scratch and scratch and scratch. Most of the time I didn’t even feel it, I just did it, and it was gone. One day, it hurt so much, and I just didn’t think I could handle it anymore, this was the night that changed it all, the night I finally drew blood.
It wasn’t big at all, just a little cross up on my forearm, easily covered by long sleeves. And when I was doing it, while I was actually cutting, I couldn’t feel it, there was no pain at all, in fact I started to believe it was making my other pain go away, I thought it was helping…
Of course, when I woke up in the morning, it hurt, all cuts do, and after not long, it almost got infected. But do you think that stopped me? Nope. Little silly me had to keep going back and cutting more and more often, pretty soon I was cutting every night, I knew I was hurting people by hurting myself but I couldn’t stop, the pain was addictive, and I, was addicted. This went on for months, and so many times I promised to stop, so many times I said I wouldn’t do it again, and so many times I failed. It wasn’t until just a few weeks ago that I realised that I wasn’t ready to stop, I wasn’t ready to let go of the pain. I had to keep doing it. It had become who I was.
So now I have scars everywhere, many I am the only one, who knows they are there. It wasn’t until the 6th of Febuary this year when I decided that I had hurt enough, that I had hurt myself and the ones I cared about, and enough was enough. The difference this time, was that I made the decision, all the other times, someone else decided I would stop, and they didn’t realize I has to be ready to stop.
So, I went out and bought a bracelet that was to be worn on the wrist that I cut that would remind me of my special promise, and would stop me wanting to cut, and so far, it has worked. Not once have I looked back, not once have I tried, nor wanted to cut, and that is something I am very proud of. I have lasted almost a month now, on Saturday it will be a month, and I will celebrate in style, I will celebrate, by hugging all those I love, and letting them know just how much they mean to me, and how much strength they have given me.
They have always been what pressed me to survive. The pain was a thing of the mind I think. I started to believe it was taking the pain of everything else away, much like what alcoholics do. They drink, and build it up in their mind that it's helping, but as we all know plain as day, that’s not the case when you wake in the morning with a hangover!
I know now, as I have reached the strength, that pain is there anyway, and I have to find something that will help it, not aggravate it, and I have learnt that cutting is not that thing. And I thank the Lord he showed me the strength to move on.
By Michelle 3rd March 1999
Last updated 22nd April 1999