Well, I am going to try to tell you all some of my history. I am not quite sure how it will come together so bear with me please.
It all started when I was just an infant. I was not suppose to "be" to begin with. I was an unwanted pregnancy. My Grandmother was a very strong part of the family. Actually her hand was the strongest and her word held alot of statis in the family. Not really quite sure why. She was a step mother to my Dad, not the real mom.
My Dad and Mom never loved each other. My Grandma and Grandpa owned a restaurant and my Mom came to work for them, my Dad was in the Air Force and came home on leave and took advantage of my Mom. My brother was concieved then. My Grandmother made my Dad marry her. My Mom never was allowed to tend to her children,my Grandma took over that responsibility right from the start, Needless to say it was a very sad and painful time for my Mom. I was then concieved on another leave home and the decision to not abord me was made as my Mom refused strongely.
I came into the world an unwanted child. My Grandma was known by everyone as a woman whom didn't care for females very much. Don't know the reasoning behind this but the later part of my life demonstrates it well.
My abuse started when I was 18 months. My Dad would take care of me... As in tuck me into bed.. this is when he would touch me inappropriately. I grew up very confused as to what this was all about.
One day when I was about 3 yrs old and my brother was 5 we somehow came to the conclusion that what was being done to us was weird. We also were afraid as if felt wierd. We never wanted to sit on our Dads lap or be hugged by anyone as it was uncomfortable. [except my Grandpa] My Mom never lived with us or cared for us as she wasn't allowed to... another story... [I found this out later in life]
One day my Grandma and Dad were talking about committing my Mom to our local State mental institute so he would not have to divorce her and could gain custody of us without her fight. She happen to overhear this and said that she would not fight and would go away quietly. You need to know that my Grandma was a very well known woman and had alot of clout in our comunity.
So anyway, my Mom was out of the picture even when she didn't want to be but for her it was the only way to suvive. She discovered what was going on with us kids and tryed to help but couldn't do anything which I'm sure just about killed her.
Back to my brother and I. We went to the police as a couple of bad things happened besides the sexual abuse, and we were told to go on home,,,that there was no way that could be happening in your house....Little did they know... We did try to run away several times and to no success we were found and brought back. We lived a very sad secret behind closed doors.
My Dad is also an alcoholic...My Grandma would make us kids sit on the porch with her and wait for his drunk ass to return home. We hated it as we knew what it would mean for us.... We lived in a huge old home and my Grandparents rented rooms out to college girls, they even wondered about us and what was going on as we must have acted very scared or something.
Many years went by and we endured our share and more of very upsetting nights and scarey touching and locked in the basement and such. Durinng the day my Grandma would yell at us and scold us and in the evening she would have us come and kneel by her feet and lay our heads on her big tummy and tell us how much she loved us.. Crazy huh? I can still smell the apron she wore with the odors of the days food preparations.
At the age of 9 my brother and went to our pastor and told all...He made
an apointment to come to the house and speak to my Grandma and Dad. That
was the night from hell...I remember my Grandma showing me newspaper
articles of young girls that had gotten pregnant by their Dads and BOYS
and kept telling me how BAD these Girls were. She then told me I was a
nasty little girl to Let my Dad touch me??? She made me drink some TEA
as I was crying uncontrollably and I felt very sleepy by the time the
pastor arrived.
Do you beleave that?
Well, after the pastor came and went all hell broke loose and my brother and I vowed to never "speak" again about it. My Grandma became sick and we moved out of the big house to a smaller ranch home in the out skirts of town, she became worse and needed lots of care which my brother and I ended up giving. I remember actually bathing her...YUK I was only 10 yrs old cleaning up a woman who couldn't hold her bodily fluids anymore. She went to the hospital and they said she was going to die, so my Dad asked my Mom to come take care of her. Do you believe that? My Mom gave up her job and her nice little apartment and stayed until my Grandma died. I was in 6th grade when she died.
My Dad asked my Mom to leave almost immediately after my Grandma's death, she almost comitted suiside, as she had noplace to go and no job etc and he wanted her out...Remember my Dad is an alcoholic... So guess who got ALL the household duties? Your right... me!I need to insert here that I had been for a very long time been wishing my Grandma would die. I know that sounds horrible but my life was a nightmare all the way around and I was trying to escape it. So when she did die I decided I must have wished her dead and withdrew for a year. Didn't talk or communicate with anyone. I am surprised that noone in school wanted or tryed to see why I was living in silence. I barely remember that year actually.
I was also still being abused. My Grandpa tryed to help me by putting a lock on my bedroom door but my Dad said there would be None of that in this house,, so needless to say I started to stay away from home as much as I could and started drinking and doing drugs to hide from what was going on at home...I always had a weight problem and just kept gaining more and more. Didn't have a normal up bringing even if you would x out the sexual abuse. One night I came home and fell asleep on the couch , I had a little too much to drink and I woke up to find my Dad drunk Raping me..first time that he actually had intercourse with me. From the time I was very small he would make me touch him and do things to him and he would touch me and make stay in the acts until he felt he satisfied my little body. But never intercourse...I learned to leave[dissasociate] Next thing I know he is picking me up from school to take me to the dr to make sure I wasn't pregnant. He told the dr that I had been messing around with the boys... Noone knew about this of course.
I was 14 and now my Dad was calling me Moma...a figure of speak that was used in those days as a indearment to a wife I believe. Great...screw up my thinking even more..
Time went on, my brother became a hopeless drunk too [like my Dad] and he left home at 17 to go to the navy now I am all alone. Although he had alliagned me a couple years prior as he couldn't cope with anything that was going on anymore.I remeber one incident were my Grandpa had had enough and took a shot gun out and threated to kill my Dad if he didn't leave these helpless kids alone. Poor Grandpa, he tryed so many times... At age 16 I was out with some friends and we were hitch hiking to get to a party and were picked up by a couple guys and taken to the edge of town and I was raped by a guy that probably weighed about 350 lbs by knifepoint. [I was a big girl myself but not that big] Later to find out they were escaped convicts from the nearby prison. I was taken to the hospital as I was in pretty bad shape, needed surgery to sew up tears and such. I was really repramanded by my Dad for getting myself in such a situation... Ya right..
I met a guy and I fell in love with and married at 18 we had a little girl at age 19. He was very verbally and mentally abusive our whole mariage. Three years into this marrage he asked me to leave and take our little girl. Mind you I had nowhere to go. I had totallty cut all ties with home...which hurt very much cause I loved my Grandpa very much but for some reason Grandpa stayed with Dad and I was done with him! my Dad I mean. I had started to communicate with my Mom behind my Dad's back when I was about 14, so I called her and told her that I had noplace to go and could she help? She said to come and stay with her until I could get back on my feet.
So thats what I did. My two year old dughter and I spent two days and two nights on a bus to get home to a person I really didn't connect too well with. What a lonely life. I worked hard and was able to get an apt. for us and get a life going.
I met my husband when my little girl was about three. I was too hurt to even consider a relationship but we became friends and grew very close over the next two years. One day he told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I had told him about all the physical, mental and emotional abuse I had survived. He was overwhelmed at what kind of a wonderful, together person I was in spite of all of that. I had done just like my brother and I vowed back at age 9 to never "speak" about the sexual abuse again. In time it did come out and out it poured. let me tell you. There are still things that come out. I have always carryed the thoughts , the experiences , and the horrors of every last one of those experiences with me .Never did they leave me, I just didn't "speak" about them.
That I think was the worst part. Lots to carry inside ya for 16+ years. Lots of pain pulling at your soul and inner being.From 18 months old till age 17. This all gave me a very disstorted view of a healthy sexual life with anyone. Over the years I have learned what a healthy sexual life is like and thanks to my best friend and husband I have Survived. This is a thumb nail sketch of where I have been.
Hope I didn't upset anyone by sharing. I just felt it was time that you all knew where I have been and the some of the roads I have walked.
Last updated 11th December 1998