He Lied

Before i start, i want to give you all a bit of background information on me. When i was a child, about the age 6 throught to 10 i was sexually assulted by two different men, in two different cases. I did not tell anyone at all what happened until early this year. Along the way i met this guy, who soon became my boyfriend. I trusted him with all my secrets, all of my childhood tears. I told him what happened to me, and this is what he did to take my pain away...

I can't quite understand it, how he did it? I just can't work it out. I remember him telling me his father raped his mother, and that’s how he was conceived. He told me that it hurt him so much to think he was the product of rape, HE TOLD ME HE COULD NEVER DO THAT TO ANYONE. And the silly thing was that I believed him. But I should have known that he would follow in his father footsteps, should have known that somewhere along the line he would come out with his fathers cruelty, the stupid bastard, HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME??

When things started heating up, I spoke to him on the phone one night and told him I was not ready for sex, and I specifically asked him not to ask for it. He said it was cool and he would wait. Stupid bloody fool I was to believe him. Little did I know he wasn’t intending on asking at all. You know, people kept telling me he was a bastard, that I should get rid of him, but silly me just shrugged it off, I should have listened, I should have gotten out while I could.

Anyway, back to the story. It was just 2 nights later, 2 NIGHTS! He started telling me he wanted sex, and basically I had no choice. I was shaking, I was scared, all I could think was, ‘oh god, it's happening again, it's all happening again. I tried to push him away, I had no strength, I tried to say no, I had no voice. So I sat there shaking my head, hoping he’d stop, but he just kept going.

You know, typing this now, I feel as though I've said it before, but i'll keep typing, if I've written it before, just scroll down till I say something different.

When I felt the penetration, I just opened my mouth as if to scream, hoping someone would hear, but no noise came out, he’d silenced me with fear. It hurt, not much, not like a first time hurt, but it hurt cause of the way he was moving, the way he twisted and turned, almost like the movement of jabbing a corkscrew into the cork of a bottle of vintage wine, except this corkscrew penetrated to the glass.

He saw the look on my face and laughed, he said, don’t worry, I’ll go slow and then came one almighty jolt. Felt as though he was ripping though my heart soul, kidneys, lungs, anything that lay inside my body. It wasn’t really the sex that was hurting, more the violent, unnatural movements of the BASTARD.

The tears were flowing, I don’t think I’d ever felt more betrayed than the way I felt then. I trusted him with my childhood secrets, and here he was, trying to recapture the way it felt. THE BASTARD!

When he finished, he stood down from his podium, and said, I haven’t got a condom on.. he almost said it as if he cared. I felt so trapped, so cornered, so lonely, all I could think was, what have I caught? Am I pregnant? I just didn’t know I spent the next few weeks waiting desperately for my period; you can't even imagine the joy I felt when it finally came.

Anyway, he lay next to me saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. He kept repeating it, the bastard. I believed him, I don’t know why, I guess I just didn’t want to believe what he had just done. Anyway, I said, you bastard, what if I'm pregnant? He just said well, if you are, I’ll support you all the way. I couldn’t believe it, this guy had just raped me, now he was expecting me to carry his child? I mean, sure, I want kids, but not at 14, and surely not through rape. Those words, there's something about him saying he’ll support me all the way that just isn't right.

Well, anyway, 2 nights later, he was at it again, except, this time he used a condom, the bastard, he thought that him using a condom made it all OK, well he’s wrong. I will never find anything that will justify what he did to me.

At the time I spent every moment, night and day, trying to find excuses for him, but now I have come to the conclusion, that there are no excuses for what he did, there is just one simple term that explains it in the most basic form, HE IS SICK!

I keep thinking about it now. I can't get the bastard out of my mind. I trusted him, I told him what happened to me when I was a child, and I thought he would never hurt me, he told me he could never hurt me like that, HE LIED TO ME! He told me he loved me, but can you really do that to someone you love, if you can, then what I have believed to be love all these years, may not be what I thought. And if you can't, then he lied to me, AGAIN.