I feel so stupid for going over to his house. I just finished college and i went back home for summer vacation. The way we got back in contact with each other is through his friend and my sister. His friend found out from my sister that i was back home (i have not been back home for 3 years now) and so his friend told him. He started calling me and we would talk on the phone becaue he was my friend you know what i mean. Even though we were not together, we never had any hard feelings.
Well during the times of our conversations, I found out that he had a girlfriend and a baby and he found out that I was a christian now and trying to live a godly life. Well to make a long story short. He called me one night and asked me if i wanted to hang out with him. I was like sure even though it was at 2 in the morning and I was outside with a friend anyways. I thought he has a girlfriend and a child, he is just my friend, nothing can happen.
Well anyway he came and picked me up and we went to his house and we were sitting there talking. I had no intentions of sleeping with him, kissing him, or even flirting because i am a christian, i was a virgin, and wanted to wait until i was married. We were watching tv and he made some passes at me like trying to kiss my neck and stuff like that and i told him to quit because I am not into that.
Anyway, i was sitting on the edge of the bed and he came behind me and tried to kiss me on my neck. I got up moved to a chair (his apartment is like one of those with the bedroom and living room in one)..there was only one chair, a weigh bench and the bed in the living area. So after awhile he got up and then i sat on the bed and when he came back he sat on the chair. So here i am watching tv and talking to him, you know chilling.
Then all of a sudden he came over and started wrestling me on the bed and trying to take off my shirt. I told him to quit because i was not going to sleep with him. he started trying to take off my bra and I was like "please don't do this, quit". So i was fighting him to keep my shirt on and started to bite him but i missed. i just kept saying "please don't do this to me, this is not the way i want to lose my virginity". I was like "I am a christiand and this is not right". I also told him that i wanted my husband to be my first.
He ignored all my cries. I kept begging him and wrestling with him to keep my shirt and bra on. the next thing i knew he was tugging at my shorts and underwear. So i started struggling to keep my underwear on, he held my hands with one of his (of course he is stronger than me). All this time i am begging him to please don't do this to me. So, now i only have on my shirt and bra and he is on top of me and i am crying and beggin him not to do it. Well he took his hand and penetrated me, and it hurt because i was a virgin. He kept pushing his fingers inside of me to get me aroused buy it wasn't working because i was scared and fighting him. Then he tried inserting his penis but he couldn't get in because i was a virgin. Then he started using his fingers again.
All this time i am begging him not to do this please. i just kept telling him "this is not the way that i want to lose my virginity and that i was waiting for my husband. he just ignored me and kept on doing what he was doing. At this point, i am scared and in pain. Then he said "you want me to use a condom right?"like was consenting, all this time i was begging him not to do this and then he asked me that question. Mind now i have not even kissed the guy or anythingk so why would tell him yes or asked him to use a condom. At this point, i am just crying and beggin him not to do this.
OK, so he got up, i assume to put on a condom. At this point i jumped off the bed and started looking for my pants so i can get out. He then grabbed me and pushed me on the bed and told me that i was not going anywhere. Next thing, he lifted my legs and he penetrated me. I was crying because it really hurt, this guy was taking my virginity. I was still begging him not to. I pleaded and pleaded with him. I felt like i was being split in half. As he was trying to go in further, i just kept crying because i was in pain. Then he told me to open my eyes, and i just kept them closed because i was ashamed and i couldn't believe this was happening to me.
Then i tried to kick him and he jumped off (only because he probably was at that point). At this point, i got up and I couldn't walk because of the pain. It was dark, so i fumbled around for my underwear and pants and put them on as quick as possible. When he came out of the bathroom, "i was like take me home now" (he lives up in the hills and it was hard for me toget him without trying to catch a ride in the boondocks). Then i went to use the bathroom and saw that there was blood in my underwear. I started crying and then I asked him "so i am not a virgin anymore right" and he was like you still are because i didn't go all the way in. i cried and i walked outside actually hobbled because i was in so much pain.
When i got into his car, i was like "don't ever talk to me again" and he was like why? and I just told him, "i can't believe what you did to me" and then he asked me if i regretted it. I was like "what am i suppose to tell my husband?" and he was like "tell him to come and check me". That comment hurt me so so so bad. Here I am saving myself for marriage, 22 years, and he just came and took it.
After he dropped me off, i was like in shock, i told him that i am not going home and he was like just go upstairs go to bed and think about what just happened. I got out of his car and walked around my neighborhood (it is 5 in the morning now). I went upstairs used the bathroom and there was the blood. I just couldn't believe it. I went to bed and started crying. I couldn't take a shower because my mom and the rest of my family would have gotten up (especially my mom).
Well for the next four days, i bled continuosly. i went to work and i would go into the bathroom and cry. the only person, i told was my best friend from college who was in virginia at the time. She prayed for me over the phone and everything.
i am back in school now and i have terrible flashbacks and dreams about it. i can't tell my family because i just know they would be like what were you doing there at 2 in the morning. I am holding up in my classes pretty, well making all A's. I smile all the time but on the inside i am hurting so bad. i don't want to see him when i go back home but i know he will find out. my sister told me he came by the house asking for my number.
I have told only one other person who has experienced date rape
and she has been helping me a lot. i know i need some kind of counseling
but i am so ashame. Sometimes i think that nobody is going to want to
marry me. I even had a dream where i was married and on my wedding night
as me and my husband was about to join physically, he stopped and said
you lied to me, you told me that you were a virgin, where is the blood?
i started screaming and crying to someone to please to explain to him
what happened and that it wasn't my fault. That was the worst dream so
far. it is the dream of my greatest fear.
Last updated 20th November 1998